Serena
by hollie-lou-xx
Summary: After a holdiday to the Hamptons turns sour, four friends reflect on what went wrong. Features Blair, Chuck, Serena and Nate.
1. Best Friends are the family you choose

Best friends are the family you get to choose.

One: Blair Waldorf

It doesn't make sense. I shouldn't be here. None of us should be.

And yet, we are.

You never expect to be at your best friend's funeral, especially not when you are barely a legal adult. Lily and Rufus told me not to come; so did Eleanor and Harold and Roman. But that's the thing, I can't not come. Serena Van Der Woodsen was- still is- my best friend, it would seem disrespectful not to say goodbye properly. Lily said Serena wouldn't mind if I didn't come- that was a lie. Both Serena and I swore to each when we were younger that we would come to each others funerals. Of course, we had not expected to have to fulfil that promise until we were old ladies.

So here I sit, between Nate and Chuck, my mother and father and Roman behind me. Everybody is crying, but I cant make the tears come. I'm frozen.

At last, the priest stands up and begins to speak about what a wonderful, talented girl Serena was. I clutch the boys hands for moral support, and to show them mine.

As the process continues, I think about Serena. I replay her death over again in my head.

_It was Sunday, late afternoon. We were on holiday in the Hampton's- me, Serena, Nate and Chuck. We were staying in the Van Der Woodsen's townhouse, and so far all we had done was party. Not that any of us were complaining. _

_That Sunday, we were planning on having yet another party. But for some reason Serena and I decided that instead we would go to the beach. The boys never disagreed with us, so they packed up a basket full of food, alcohol and of course Nate's treasured ipod, and we set off in Serena's classic Mercedes convertible for a fun filled day._

_It wasn't long before we had drank several bottles of champagne and eaten the contents of the picnic basket. Nate pulled out a small box, which we all knew contained his collection of marijuana. Little did we know, before we had left for Long Island the previous week, he had visited his supplier who had given him a bag of little pills. They looked harmless- tiny pastel coloured pills, decorated in swirls and glitter. Nate took one, Chuck took one, and I took one. Serena shook her head when the box got to her. We all sighed. _

"_Serena, just take one." Nate said. _

_His patience was wearing thin as she shook her blonde head again. _

"_For fuck sake Serena! You used to pop every single pill in the fucking cupboard- why not these?" _

_Serena glared at him and looked over at me. I shrugged. "What's the worst that can happen?" _

_Famous last words. _

_Not long later, we decided to go to the cliff over-facing the water. Serena and I were in our element, using the edge of the cliff as our own personal stage. We danced, we sang, we posed for pictures. Chuck and Nate whistled at us, and we laughed. _

"_You're my best friend B! I love you!" Serena sang, throwing back her head and laughing. _

"_I love you too S- best friend forever," I swore. _

"_Enough with the soppy girly talks- let's go swimming!" Chuck jumped up and pulled off his shirt. _

_Nate copied him. "I'll go first, show you amateurs how it's done," he joked. _

_We all laughed, and watched as Nate arched his tanned back to create the perfect dive. He splashed into the water, and his chuckles filled the air. _

_Serena went next. _

_None of us remembered she couldn't swim until she had jumped, but we needn't have worried. _

_Because she jumped… but she never hit the water. _

_I screamed as I looked over the edge and saw her splattered across a rock that jutted out of the cliff. _

_She was a mess of red- ironically, it was her favourite colour. Her blonde hair that I had always secretly envied was a mess of bright red stick liquid. _

_I clamped my hand over my mouth, feeling distinctly queasy. But it was too late, I was promptly sick in the corner. _

_The ambulance came while I was still being sick. The paramedics were all fussing over me. _

"_Leave me- it's Serena that needs help…" I tried to tell them, but then I would picture all that blood again and my stomach would convulse. _

_I don't think any of them had the heart to tell me she didn't need help -she was already dead._

Chuck squeezed my hand, snapping me back to the present. His eyes seemed dead, as lifeless as Serena's.

At last, tears dribbled down my face.

A/N: So, what do you all think? Depressing, I know, but I had this urge to write it. The next part will be up shortly. Review!


	2. Death is peaceful, life is harder

Death is peaceful- easy. Life is harder.

Two: Serena

I keep repeating those final moments over in my head. It's like a video stuck on replay. It breaks my heart, but there's no way to stop it. I'm dead. I can barely go running to my Mother telling her I'm going crazy, can I? No, I'm alone now. All alone in this big white room, stuck watching the video of my death repeatedly.

* * *

><p><em>I leap off the cliff, and for a moment, I feel like I'm flying. The wind blows my blonde hair out behind me and makes my bright eyes water. I squeeze my eyes shut and listen to the sound of the water below me. For the first time in what seems like forever, I'm happy. I feel weightless- and not just physically. All my troubles and problems are gone, evaporated into the air. <em>

_But my happiness is short lived- as always. _

_Suddenly I realise I'm not flying- I'm falling. Fear strike me like a white hot iron, and I panic. _

_I can't focus on anything, but brain feels as though it's going to explode. I feel pain, burning hot starting in my chest and moving it's way up into my throat. _

_All of a sudden, I'm numb._

_I can't feel a single thing. _

_I can't hear anything._

_I cant see anything. _

_I'm going to die. _

_But it's not fast, not like the stories I've read say. They all say it's entirely painless- that's true, but only physically. Emotionally, it's the worst pain possible. _

_I had so many regrets; so many hopes; so many dreams. I would never get to marry Nate. I would never get to have cute babies that become best friends with Blair and Chuck's children. I would never grow old. _

_If I could, I would cry. But my brain seems to have cut itself off from the rest of my body. That scares me. I could be in the water by now, but I have no idea. _

_I'm going to drown._

_I always thought I would die naturally. I had hoped I would drift away in my sleep one night, surrounded by my loved ones. _

_By drowning? That had never entered my thoughts._

_For some reason, I remember going to a fortune teller with Blair once at a charity gala. She had told Blair she would lead a happy life, but needed to stop being so negative. She also said Blair would marry her one true love and lead a perfect life. That had satisfied Blair- all she ever wanted was to be loved. _

_But the fortune teller told me some quite different things. She said I would die in a tragic accident, and nobody would know the true cause except myself. She stated I would make many mistakes and regret every single one. I had been furious about her comments. Nobody likes being told their future is going to be miserable, do they?_

_But she is right. _

_I'm dying. And it _is_ a tragic accident, one nobody will ever truly understand. _

* * *

><p>I wish I could go to see Blair and tell her I'm sorry for everything I've ever done, for every argument we've ever had. I wish I could see Chuck, and tell him he's the best stepbrother I could have wished for, and that I regret hating him in the first place.<p>

But most of all, I wish I could tell Nate, one last time, how much I love him. How I always will love him, no matter what. If I could speak to him, I would tell him to move on but to always remember me. Because no matter what, I'll always be with him. He just won't know it.

But most of all, I wish I could go back in time. I wish I had never jumped off that stupid cliff.

But overall, death was strangely peaceful, easy.

Life is much harder.

A/N: Part three will be about Nate and how he struggles with the loss of his girlfriend. Enjoy!


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